SIX GO MAD IN TENERIFE
I caught a bit of sunshine in the Spanish owned Canary Islands just off the coast of Morocco this Xmas. My partners in crime were my flatmates and friends from London. The weather was excellent and most days it was hot enough to swim. This was a pleasant change from London where most days was is hot enough to ice skate.
FLYING FISTS OF FURY
On our second night I noticed my flatmate ‘Angry Cam’ yelling at a bar tout who stiffed us on some free shots the night before. I walked over and quickly convinced AC to step down. Not quick enough however as five bouncers jumped us from behind. One put me in a neck lock that flattened my oesophagus to the point I couldn’t breathe. Over a week later it still hurts to swallow. Cam got a much worse hiding but he was the one who was asking for it. Luckily for them I was too pissed to stand on one leg or I would have pulled out the crane on their arses.
HERE IS SOMETHING I DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT CASINOS
You can leave the table when you have more than doubled your money and you don’t have to wait until you are fully pissed and they have won it all back. Of course it helps if the drinks are not free. I mean only a moron would turn down free drinks at a casino.
EL TIEDE
If you ever go to Tenerife you should take a trip on the cable car up the resident volcano El Tiede. The views were outstanding.
DRUG OVERDOSE
There were several cases of coughs and flu amongst the party. My advice if you get the flu travelling is to drink loads of fluids and keep warm. Also if someone offers you a ‘day nurse’ cold and flu tablet in the middle of the day and the packet is dark blue – don’t take it – it’s a night nurse and you will fall asleep in a beach side café and your friends will sneak off.
COOZER
I am the All Tenerife Coozer Champion thrashing all the other five travellers 3 zip zip zip zip zip. Losers.
TOP SIX REASONS WHY MADRID IS THE WORLDS WORST AIRPORT
- It is totally cool to smoke pretty much anywhere you like. Disgusting.
- Spitting on the floor is also acceptable. Double disgusting.
- Every time you go anywhere you have to take a bus. What ever happened to parking the plane next to the terminal building?
- We spotted ten pieces of luggage sitting on the tarmac completely unattended. That is ten more pieces unattended on the tarmac than I have ever seen at all the other airports I have been to in eleven years travelling.
- Some of the clocks are WRONG by over an hour. Talk about running for your bus so you can get to the other bus to take you to your plane because you think its five minutes after take off. Shameful.
But worst of all - They snapped one of the thick shoulder straps (how?!?!) on my eight year old Macpac that I have backpacked 64 countries with. Hijo de puta.
BA has come to the rescue and offered me a far inferior pack or half the value of a replacement since it was eight years old. “But it’s was in perfect condition” I said. “Well backpacks get less valuable when they get older Sir”. Bull. My Macpac was as good as the day I bought it and it has had tens of thousands of pounds worth of expensive customisations done in the last eight years. Travelling to other countries to buy those little badges isn’t bloody free you know!!!
AND FINALLY
How does Google know so much? Who shagged in the bathroom and where did the blood come from? How do those touts afford to give away €1000 for scratchy prizes if you sit through a one hour seminar? Where did Don Sandy Bingo get to that one night?
