HUBBERS DOT COM BLOG

Tried to take in National Museum but it was also closed for refurbishment. Runty did something else because museums ‘are just full of boring old stuff’ that does not interest him. Sadly it was closed for refurbishment so I enjoyed my other favourite pastime on holiday – internet and caffeine.

The sleeper train to Bucharest is sixteen hours long. It only looks about six hundred kilometers on the map so we should average a massive 40kms an hour. Bizarrely the train has no restaurant car so we had to bring everything we wanted to eat. Figured ut why it takes so long to get to Bucharest – the train stops every fifty meters. Even more bizarrely our carriage started the journey at the beginning of the train, then we were at the end and to our surprise when we arrived at Bucharest we were in the middle?!?!

The train conductor reminded us that we are heading into the dodgier part of Europe when he reminded us to double lock our cabin door. The Lonely Planet outlines several local scams and other tourists have warned us of more. I am really looking forward to the contest with the local scammers. One of the things I really admire about the Egyptians (that means you Bill) are the ingenious methods they have come up with for parting stupid tourist from their money. We shall see how the Romanians rate in comparison to the Gypos, Moroccans, Thais and other nations who have a scammer underclass why ply this dirty trade.

The proposed method so far is as soon as a scammers starts his or her spiel:

1. Take their photograph (whilst holding the camera very firmly)
2. Admonish them in a loud voice for making all of their countrymen look like thieves.
3. Ask them loudly if they feel guilty and what their mothers’ would think.

After a four hour power-nap we walked the city. The highlight of which was the Military Museum which has more tanks than I have seen in all my life. Excellent toys for boys. They even have part of the fuselage of a stealth bomber that the Serbs shot down in 1999. Sadly the exhibition covering 1918 to 1999 were closed for refurbishment. The overall tone of the exhibition on their most recent conflict with Kosovo was that the cruel and powerful Americans were unjustly bullying them. Perhaps they should have thought about that before they started the ethnic cleaning of Kosovo. Surrprisingly the overwhelming weight of English comments in the visitors book were in support of the Serbs. Irrational anti-Americanism is rife in Europe.

In the evening we went down to the river to drink on the riverboats but they were all dead so we called it quits.

Started the day with the worst commentated tour on our trip so far. The guide had poor English and had virtually nothing to say but was a stunning example of top notch Bosnian smoo, so none of the predominately male crowd seemed to mind.

The only thing worth seeing on the tour was the museum at the Tunnel where the Bosnians supplied the city while the Serbs had it under siege between April 92 and September 95. The Tunnel was 800 meters long and carried everything the city needed from petrol (piped), high voltage electricity, weapons, food, livestock and up to 3000 military and civilian personnel a day. It provided an essential lifeline that helped Sarajevo hold on in life or death circumstances. When other Bosnian cities resistances collapsed their occupants were often massacred.

Huge huge laugh when the fit smoo guide said ‘you can go in my tunnel, it is not dangerous’.

Caught our own cab out to the Stadium used for the 1984 Sarajevo Winter Olympics (what winter olympic sport needs an outdoor stadium?) but is now surrounded by graves. Lack of any useful commentary from our driver meant that we knew nothing about the site other than it has loads of graves.

His one intelligible comment was ‘Bosnian pussy good eh?’ Although a touch crass, he is not wrong.

This amazing city is crying out for someone to conduct a good quality walking tour to tell the story of it’s turbulent history.

Runty had himself measured for his best man suit for Andy’s wedding. His suit size is 48 or 46 as I keep reminding him. If he looks a little constricted at the wedding then you know who to blame.

Met a Kiwi who managed to get the tricky Ukrainian visa and for his troubles he was robbed or scammed by the local police five times during his time there. What a pack of *****.

We are so short of days now that we decided to make up time by catching a night bus to Belgrade. The eight hour trip covers a mere 200kms. Surprisingly it wasn’t that bad.

Most of day spent on a train to Sarajevo. No restaurant car so by the time we arrived we could have eaten the crotch out of a low flying duck from fifty paces.

Started the Pulitzer Prize winning ‘The Hours’ by Michael Cunningham but had to put it down after 30 pages because it was unreadable shite.

Ordered a fabulous meal of ‘low flying duck crotch for two’ which was marred only by the fact that we had failed to get any local money out. Had to sit there like a naughty child while Runty rushed out to find a cashpoint.

Had our first real Turkish coffee on tour. Caffeine heaven. Sarajevo’s old town and tourist centre is the Turkish Quarter. Centuries of trading and invasions and have given this part of the world an interesting combination of European and Middle Eastern cultures and architecture.

Woke late at Simon’s flat and surprisingly had no hangover. Trammed to the bus station for the 14.30 bus to Banja Luka only to find out that the internet site we used the previous evening had lied and the next bus was at 22.00. Gutted. We are running out of days fast so we convened an emergency executive meeting of the Team Kiwi board (Me and the Runt) so assess our options of getting to smoo central for Saturday night. We ruled out busing (wastes the whole day) training (no train until tomorrow) flying (no flights to BL) renting a car (very expensive because of international drop-off in Sarajevo) and hitching (it was hosing down). We ended up catching a cab which we haggled down to 1100 dingbats or Ł55 each. Talk about the cab ride you should definitely do a runner from.

Banja Luka is a town that has received an absolute hiding over the years. It has damage from WW2, an earthquake in 1969 and In 1993 the local serbs blew up all 16 mosques in the town. These days it just seems very quiet.

After dinner we found a pub where some local Serbian boys bought us a beer each because we were foreign. They were good value and one of them took a shine to the Runt and even asked if he would like to go to the toilet with him three times. Greg politely declined and the guy didn’t seem offended because he kept his arm around Greg whist massaging his shoulder. When we escaped one of them showed us where the biggest club in town was. This place was about the size of the She’ Bu’ Walky and was packed. Once again found myself feeling averagely tall. Greg, at five foot eleven, looked more like a dwarf that has escaped from the circus.

Greg asked a local girl about the seven to one girl to guy ratio thing. She said that during the war that was true but now the ratio is more like two to one and that they just use the seven to one ‘story’ to get more tourists in. It certainly worked on us :)

Spent the morning picking up Indian and Romanian visas. The went quite smoothly. Greg’s girl dragged us out to another alternative documentary. I have wanted to see ‘Supersize Me‘ for a while. It follows the producer as he spends a month eating nothing but McDonalds. The effects on his health are staggering and while the documentary lacks scientific validity it does ask some very important questions about the fast food industry. It may be some time before I eat any more McShite.

On our first trip to Zagreb we ran into some expats who have the local bar scene sorted. Simon, from Canada, has offered to take us out again and show us a few more bars.
Another great night out at Purgeraj where I was far from being the tallest person there. I know the rest of you are used to being short but for me it is a new thing and I don’t like it very much.

Simon has given us some essential tips for the Bosnian leg of the tour. The first advice was a quick run down on the landmine situation in Bosnia. During the war over one million landmines were sown in Bosnia. So far less than three percent have been cleaned up. Basically if you need to take a piss outside in Bosnia take it from the road or it might be the last piss you ever take.
Simon managed to come up with a pearler that was even better than the life saving landmine information. Apparently there is a town in Bosnia called Banja Luka where there are seven girls to every guy. This sounds a little far fetched to me but we think it might be worth a look anyway to prove our theory that we can get shot down in any country no matter how favourable the odds are.

Hired another rental and shot up to Zargreb dropping Dumby and Belinda off in Split on the way. They are top notch London friends and it has been awesome to travel with them. Am looking forward to a few days off the piss to rest and recover though.

Runty had a date with a young Croatian girl who he met for 5 minutes on our first trip to Zagreb. She brought one of her cute young friends and we went to the local university campus to watch a arty Czech film. Aparently the film was a witty documentary about how advertising can make you do anything. I wouldn’t know because I was asleep and snoring loudly after 5 minutes. Excellent first impression.

Toured the old town and did all of the touristy things we could think of. The highlight was a photographic exhibition of September 11, Afghanistan and Iraq. Apart from being great photos the images were often very graphic and included shots of dead and dying people. This is the side of war you don’t see on CNN. Very thought provoking.

In a similar vein there is a memorial to the young men who died during the siege of Dubrovnik. Between 91 and 95 the Serbs fired over 2000 shells at Dubrovnik. It’s quite an odd feeling to see so many photos of people who have died violent and early deaths.

Found an Irish pub and watched England bore the living fuck out of everyone with their pathetic one nil win over Azjerbajan. Ireland were little sharper with their two nil win over The Faroe Islands.

WIth the help of a few Irish we drank the pub out of Guiness.

Thankfully a couple of English lasses proved to Team Kiwi that some things English can be highly entertaining.

More rain and this time the whole day was shitty. Didn’t matter because we decided to play for the “Undisputed Cards Champion of the World”. Naturally I cleaned up.

The ferry to Debrovnic was quite sedate and Runty and Belinda managed to hang onto their breakfasts.

Debrovnic has a really cool old town. The four of us looked around for a good pub but it’s a Tuesday so we had a couple of beers and were in bed by 11.

Woke to appalling weather and settled in for a day of cards. Lasted about an hour before the sun broke through and we spent the afternoon exploring, swimming and sunbathing.

We bought steaks and lamb etc for a big self catered dinner in our apartment. This is the first thing we have cooked since leaving the UK. It was delicious and then some.